Changes...

A couple of years ago, I ran into an old familiar face. It was on a night out on the town with a few girlfriends and drinks were being poured and all were merry and dancing on every available piece of furniture. She was in boarding school with me, a couple of years behind me but as always I never forget a face. We didn’t speak but gave the obligatory “I recognize you” smile & polite nods.

Thinking about the night as you do once the tequila haze has worn off and you once again are having that “come to Jesus” talk with yourself about how this is most definitely the last time for the 22nd time that you will not drink tequila in public after midnight because most of your imbecilic life decisions all had one thing in common - tequila. Somewhere in those thoughts she popped up and I started to think back to those teenage years and the girl I was and how I’ve evolved into this woman.
I pondered on how I had changed and what good and bad qualities have stuck over the years.

I bumped into an old friend yesterday; one who knows me better than most. Mid-conversation, he pauses and with a slight head tilt to the left says “Hmm you’ve grown, you look different, no longer the innocent faced girl from years ago.” with a smirk/eye roll combo I scoffed and replied “yeah it’s LIFE!” and he said “No, it looks good.” with an ever so slight nod.
He’s a man I met as a boy who has become a man by every, and all standards.
Usually a man of few words, my old friend’s approval meant the world to me. Not only because he’s at the top of a progressively dwindling list of men that I respect but because he wasn’t talking about age lines or dark circles (Some things will never change!).
I HAVE changed. I am still changing. For one thing I no longer dance on furniture. It’s just plain obnoxious.
Embracing change is often no small feat for anyone. For me it began with appreciating the freedom in embracing all sides of my reality.
It is ok to mess it all up because there is no perfect formula to living right.
It is ok that you allowed frogs that didn’t deserve your love overstay their welcome in your heart.
It’s ok that you believed that if you kissed them hard enough they’d turn into princes. (The devil is a LIE!!!)
It’s ok that it took you a few good years to figure out what the hell was going on with your eyebrows.
It is ok that you wore frosty blue eye shadow with pink lipstick.
Forgive yourself.
Above all else, remember your story is still being written and happy endings usually don’t happen until the last page. You’ll get through all the s**t in between. ☺

The devil had a baby girl and her name is Gravity

As a girl you learn a lot in your science classes about theories and phenomenon, abstract things about the universe that tickle your imagination. We learn that there are other planets floating out there, we learn laws like ‘for every action there is an equal or opposite reaction’.

If you took physics classes like I did, then you may remember that Sir Isaac Newton discovered gravity. I looked up gravity in the dictionary and it is defined as ‘the force that attracts a body toward the center of the earth, or toward any other physical body having mass’. 

Newsflash! Isaac lied. He didn’t discover gravity, Eve discovered gravity! I’m going to take one for the team and risk being smitten and say when God said “…I will greatly multiply thy sorrow...” , amongst other things, somewhere on top of that list was gravity. He was so mad at that apple eating heifer that he reached so far out and cursed us with SAG!
He does live up to his promise of showing us mercy. At least light years later he gave us "the bra".

But back to me. Why did I not know that my body was subject to the law of gravity as well? Why is everything heading due south? I'm good on this side of the Earth, I don't want to visit middle Earth. Frodo n' em can keep that! You wake up one morning and you're like my body parts did a little migrating while I was ironically- "catching beauty sleep".

Yes, I know we are supposed to exercise and keep it tight but trust me not everything stays up no matter how hard you try. 

I am told men sag too eventually. I’m not sure how that’s supposed to make me feel better living in a society where a rotund gut is lauded as “signs of good living”.

Women are held to ridiculously high standards when it comes to our appearance. I am nobody’s feminist and I will admit that I am vain…probably a little more so than the average woman. I spend entirely too much time and money on stalling the aging process. If there is a contraption, apparatus or potion that promises to hold it all up, I will bear the discomfort and try it. I am not ashamed to say that I am very much a victim of said ridiculous standards.

I’d love to tell you that I do it just for myself like most women claim to but no, I’m not risking lung collapse just to stare and admire myself in the mirror. I already know I’m cute but it never hurts to let the boys know too.

Heehee!

Dodging the Bullet

Everyone is so happy when you get married. Regardless of how you get married, ultimately there’s that implicit “PHEW”. It’s almost a sigh of relief especially when you are of marriageable age.

“She dodged THAT bullet” - the bullet of your expiration date. 

I need to go back and look at the exact moment that I started to subscribe to that school of thought. Does living in Nigeria change that for you? Where pretty much all of a woman’s value is placed on her being married.

As a woman you could climb Mount Vesuvius, find the cure for cancer, help the forgotten souls in the ass crack of the Earth, at some point everyone is looking over your shoulders and accomplishments for the man behind you, the man whose last name you bear. The customary questions will haunt you; “soooo… you don’t have a husband?”, “Is she married?”.

It’s bad enough you get it from everyone else but when you get to the sanctuary that is your home and family. “Look Daddy! I just discovered a new planet in outer space that will sustain human life as we know it”.

DAD: “That’s great, WHERE ARE MY GRANDCHILDREN???” 
"Sha mu ikan wale!” (Translated: Just bring one home! (If only it were that easy to just pick them and bring them home).

Our society inundates girls with mixed messages. Read your books, study hard, face your work, don’t let a boy touch you, you will get pregnant, boys only want you to destroy your life (another Yoruba saying- “okunrin ma ba aiye je”) and then all of a sudden it’s “where is your husband?” Where are your children?

We ask why women are desperate and seeking love at any and all cost when we reinforce the narrative that all boys are bad but bring one when we say it’s ok? Where are the lessons about loving yourself and valuing yourself? Why didn’t anybody teach us WHY we should stay away from boys as opposed to telling us to stay away because the only consequence is bringing utter shame and disgrace to the family name in form of an unwanted pregnancy? How do we reconcile that the things you tell us to fear the most in our formative years are what we are supposed to magically conjure when we haven’t been prepared to navigate the twists and turns that falling in love and being in a relationship bring?

Why aren’t we told that having sex forms soul-ties that have lasting consequences? That giving your body to the wrong man puts you and your precious heart in jeopardy. Why does no one tell a girl how devastating heartbreak is?

Our society touts the mantra “a man is a man” but is unwilling to accept that not all male are men, some male are monsters, and monsters are not just mythical creatures in fairy tales. They exist and we marry them because no one cares if he makes you laugh or even smile, no one bothers to ask if you have peace, they’re mostly just concerned with picking complimentary colors for the aso-ebi and how quickly can we club him over the head and drag him down the aisle willingly or not.

The very same dogmatic society that regards divorced women as pariahs labels single women as desperate when we succumb to the pressure and do as we are told- FIND a husband

So in the end, when all the small chops have been eaten and Dom P. has been popped and you drive away in your RR Phantom, the envy of every single girl tapping into the anointing of your 3 carat, ascher cut ring from Van Cleef & Arpels, no one knows that while you were busy dodging the bullet you ended up in front of a one man firing squad and no one is there when the trigger is pulled.

“God is Love, not a closed fist or controlling actions”

The End Justifies...What?

Photo Credit: ABC News

I am intensely preoccupied with endings. I have never been a fan of goodbyes. Every scene where people have to part makes me ugly cry. Over time, I have built a force field around my heart that acts as a prophylactic to shield the pain of endings. Endings are inevitable. With that knowledge stowed and lingering somewhere in the recesses of my mind, I struggle with beginnings.

As profoundly nonsensical as it may sound,  I keep thinking "what's the whole point?" 3 months from now I will wonder what I ever saw in you, 4 years down the line you'll wish you had crossed the road when you met me because you swear I was on psychotropic medication. We will walk past each other without even the slightest acknowledgment that just a couple of years ago we couldn't go to bed without speaking about everything and nothing for endless hours.

So what's the freaking point of it all?

When you invest so much into building a relationship; emotions, time, trust, the phone bill, the intimacy... Where does it all go when it ends? Or is it that those investments weren't designed to last therefore as the demand for you goes down by your 'investor' your stock loses value until you hit the inevitable price zero?

Much like the stock market I find that it does matter if you take the long or short position in investing in someone. What are the motives for my buying into your stock in the first place?  Are they solely based on what I deem are qualities that make you a worthwhile risk? Am I taking the long position where I'm all in and hope that this will appreciate 100% knowing that we both come out on top? Or is it the short position where I expect the asset to be devalued because I'm only borrowing it just to see what I can profit in the short term before I give it back? When things aren't looking too good, do I sell immediately looking to trade in other stock or do I keep my stock hoping that you will bounce back? Believing that the qualities that caused me to invest in you in the first place, will get your stock price back up.

As it is in the stock market, I find in life that every good thing does have an ending, that no great stock lasts forever and every stock has its day except when you're Warren Buffet. He believes in rebalancing periodically and reinvesting his dividends and interests. Maybe, just maybe, if we apply Mr Buffet's principles to our real lives we could get our "forever stock".

Hey, but then again what does he know? He's only the most successful investor of our lifetime.

And they said I'd never use those business degrees  :-)

Swim or Sink?

A couple of days ago, a couple of friends & I had a heated debate about one of the most poignant story lines from the tv show 'Scandal'- the triangle between Olivia Pope, President Fitz, and his wife, Mellie.

I shy away at the thought of calling it a 'love triangle' especially as it is my personal opinion that 'love' by our limited definition is what is least in play in this situation.

Liv & Pres. Fitz fall in love while she is working on his campaign, he is married. As the show progresses, it is revealed that he wasn't really in love with his wife and married her out of a sense of duty. As a result, he is tortured, she is tortured and they all suffer.

So the topic of debate? Whose side are you on? Do you root for Liv and President Fitz because they seem to be 'soul mates'? Or do you sympathize with Mellie as she desperately tries to hold her marriage together?

I will admit that every time Fitz and Liv come on the screen, my heart winces. I have even shed a few tears. It has always baffled me how something so abstract can cause actual physical pain. The very thought that just a feeling can stop the most vital organ in my body has and will always be mystifying to me. We all know heart ache, metaphorically and literally.

However, I am Team Mellie!

In as much as I get it and I so do get the Olivia & President Fitz 'thing', I just cannot in good conscience root for them to be together. I am of the firm belief that love is a decision. Love in marriage is a decision. It is not as  we expect a feeling that should just 'be there' in our hearts and therefore the absence of it means it has taken its leave. Much like everything else in life, love is not stagnant, it evolves, over time it comes to mean different things in every relationship not just romantically. It is to be worked on and cultivated as with everything worth having and keeping in life.

As humans, we are told life is a journey and indeed it is. Do the same rules apply when the phase of our journey suddenly changes from sailing in perfect sunny weather to navigating a storm in torrential rains? And what if we weren't  prepared and thought a two person sailboat is all that was needed for the journey? Clearly the logical thing to do once we get into less than desirable sailing conditions would be to make the necessary adjustments in the interest of self preservation. Does that give you the right to bring a third person on board just because you don't feel as confident or as safe anymore? Why all of a sudden are my sailing skills not sufficient enough all because the weather changed? Surely if we both started out on the journey together, shouldn't your skills be called into question as well?

When, how, and why do we stop being enough to each other?

I have been told that I am oversimplifying love and ignoring all of the complexities. I'll confess I don't understand love much less all of its many  intricacies, my only question is; what about Mellie? Should she allow a third passenger on her 2 person sail boat? And how long before they all drown?

Liv & President Fitz may be soul mates but they don't know for sure. Is it not possible that those emotions are intensified simply and only because they cannot be together? If love is supposed to feel so good, why are they in anguish? If they fully explored this relationship and actually got together, who's to say that all will be well in their world? Does being soul mates give you automatic immunity from being human?

It is human nature to always wonder just how much greener the grass is on the other lawn, it is part of our evolutionary nature. Could Pres. Fitz feel so strongly about Olivia just because she's not Mellie? Did he ever consider that they're the same woman? They're both strong willed, assertive, intelligent women who love politics and their country. How different are they really?

I am of the notion that in a world with 7 billion people, if time and opportunity allowed for it, we would all find more than one soul mate. It's all about chances and odds but for whatever reason, we choose to settle and make a life with one who we feel is best suited to us and our wants & needs.

So by it's very definition, is this love? Is it selfish to abandon Mellie? Is it kind that he has a love affair?  That considered, how much of this is truly love ?

It seems to me that loving has more to do with how you feel and how the person makes you feel. Once that initial 'high' is gone, we start to chase rainbows, unfairly expecting each other to duplicate that feeling, our frustrations with each other cause us to either throw one off the boat or jump head first into the water, either way we have a man overboard situation.  It is why even when we have committed to journey through life with someone, deep down inside, we always look out for that rescue boat.

We all want to be saved. The real question is from whom or from what?

Photo Credit: ABC

Paving a New Road: The Journey to Self Discovery

“Courage is not the absence of fear but the ability to do something while you are still afraid”. - Anonymous

 **I wrote this in December 2011**

 I’ve heard it said a few times that the man that you marry in your 20’s is not the same man you’d marry in your 30’s. Fortunately for me that reality hit me (literally) before I hit my 30’s. Fine, it is in the twilight of my 20’s but nevertheless I am filled with gratitude.

 In the last few years, a lot of things died inside of me. I was living my life in a catatonic state. I watched life pass me by while I chose to stay stuck because I was caught up in a dogmatic society and what would be thought of me if I dared to defy the norm. There is nothing more satisfying than throwing a few choice fingers up to everything in your life that is destructive, disparaging, and mentally, emotionally and possibly physically unhealthy. Of all the fingers I have given in my life (and I have given my fair share and then some) nothing has been more bittersweet.
 Everyday is a new day and I am reacquainting myself with who I am. Everyday it gets a little less hazy and it probably will be the most intense and gruelling time of my life but I look forward to each day with a revived hope that I have not felt in a very long time.
It does help that I like me (seriously, have we met? I’m f*ckin’ awesome) ☺

 One of my rediscovered passions is my writing. I have had some amazing support in the last couple of months and one of the things I have been encouraged to do is to start doing what I love so much again and my first question was “What am I going to write about? I’m so lost”. The answer was “Just write what you know”. What I know is my life and the experiences that have shaped and formed who I have become.

So coming from a place of such extreme privacy and reclusion especially in the last few years, I am closing my eyes, taking a deep breath, feeling the fear, and jumping off this cliff with my eyes closed.

I will be living my life out loud on these pages not because I particularly enjoy putting my business out there but I hope that my words make you smile, laugh, provoke and challenge your thinking as well as mine.

More than anything else, I hope they make you silence the world and choose yourself just like I did.

LAME ATTEMPT AT A COMEBACK! (of cheesecakes and Barack, shoes and FaceBook, Chuck Bass and the new man in my life)

It's been two years since I wrote on this blog! TWO YEARS! WOW!

I wish there was some solid reason I could give for stopping. How maybe in the last 23 months I have had time for quiet introspection and the eyes of my soul opened up and I have now reached a plain where I am above all others with a stick so far up my ass that if you look into my eyeballs you can see the branches... but NO!

I just stopped writing... maybe it was something in the cheesecake...hmm come to think of it I went back for that cheesecake for the first time in 2 years last week to celebrate yet again the beginning of ANOTHER diet (why all women celebrate the beginning of a weight loss program with adding another at least 5 lbs to the existing "problem", we will never know)It's a bitch especially if you never start cos you keep postponing till "next Monday" (lol) Now you're 5 lbs worse off.

So!!! Let's play catch up!

In the time I've been gone I figure people have stopped reading so this is for my one FAN who made me get on my computer today and write.

So... the biggest news ever! My baby daddy is now ruler of the free world. GO BARACK! There is nothing like the feeling that was in the air in that moment. I was there for the elections but not for the inauguration but it is a remarkable and beautiful thing.

2) I went on a successful weight loss plan. Worked my ass off (literally). Had a trainer and everything. Looked fabulous and then decided it wasn't me and gained it all back... and then some lol Seriously which is why I'm back on another training program but this time it's not a vanity thing, more like a death thing.
My FEET got FAT!!!!!!! And I will die the next time I walk into Jimmy Choo and ask for a pair of shoes and I can't zip them up (I'll put up a picture of the shoes with the post) I broke down in the store and gave the sales guy some excuse about my feet still been swollen from the 10 hour flight **side eye**

On the real though I don't want to die. Adult on-set diabetes, heart failure, cholestrol problems just to name a few.

Images of me in a Size 8 Nicole Miller sheath dress also help me kick up that incline on the treadmill.

3) I GOT MARRIED!!!!! to my blackberry. I figure anything that you touch so much, sleeps in your bed every night, goes to the bathroom with you, and shuts down when you need it the most is close enough to a husband (HA!) I don't know what my life would be without my blackberry at this point. I just can't imagine it. It changed my life.
The fact that I can now GOOGLE about a thousand more times than I used to in a day? Is like... (there are no words).

4) Everyone I know IS married or about to be married. Even my closest friends Bey & Jay got married (I'm happy for her because it would have been weird to put out a single with the chorus "IF U LIKED IT THEN U SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT") I would have had to be like "glass houses and stones Bey, glass houses and stones".

Back to this, I have ONE single friend left. IF she calls and tells me she is engaged I have decided a mail-order bridegroom from Eastern Europe or the Middle East is the way. I haven't quite figured out the specifics of my ad but my selling point is definitely..."WANT AMERICAN PASSPORT??"

5) I'm auditioning for the sequel of the movie '27 dresses' since Katherine Heigel got married at the end (?) I dunno I didn't make it to the end... I slept. But I am using this avenue to let everyone know I will no longer; after the 2 MORE weddings this year, be a bridesmaid for anyone. I will be ANYTHING you want me to be but I will not wear anymore dresses I can never wear again, stand and hold a smile in a line with my clones, be forced to wear colors that don't even exist on the color wheel. I LOVE YA! I'm happy for ya! Come on! what is raspberry plum if not pink? What is apricot if not orange or peach?, and WTF is chartreuse? It's 50% green and 50% yellow? WHAT THE HELL? Only two things I know green and yellow look good on is a banana and an iguana.

I respect every girl's dream to be the center of attention on her day and have all the frills and thrills that come with the excitement of a wedding. I don't get it but I respect it. I can't imagine it but I respect it. When and if I do get married, the only thing people will be inconvenienced with is hearing the post-wedding announcement.

6) I have got to be the biggest GOSSIP GIRL FAN! I am taken with Chuck Bass. As a matter of fact I have only been attracted to Chuck Basses all my life. It is amazing to see your dating history in one man. Emotionally stunted and unavailable men, dark, brooding, don't ever want to be touched, not rule bound! Every character on Gossip Girl pales in comparison to Chuck Bass. He is the man of my dreams and reality.

7) The Sex and the city movie! NUFF said! We are a go go for a sequel.

8) Facebook OMG! How could I forget FB. I don't participate much but here's the thing; all human beings have it in them to be voyeurs. We can't help looking at what we know we shouldn't be looking at. That's all I'm saying.

So there it is, here I am. Still fickle, still a slave to fashion, still love to write, this will still not be a sounding board for general and grand pronouncements about society and all that is wrong with the world, for that watch CNN, BBC, and ALJAZEERA.

However I am still taking the hard road on my journey to self-discovery. It's not good for my soles but it works wonders for my soul ☺

**Dedicated to you who lights a fire in my heart and under my ass! HA! HA!

SPREAD THE WORD...

Yesterday was pretty uneventful for the most part except for the usual humdrum routine of work.
At about say 6-ish everything changed! Thanks to Bisbis.
I was ready to call it a day when she came through and asked me to tag along to BONZAI. Everyone's heard of BONZAI... if you haven't, it's a Japanese restaurant in Lagos.
Well... I didn't need much convincing since I'd been feenin' for some sushi.. Bisbis doesn't understand that... but if u don't understand the pleasures of raw/halfcooked fish, you'll never.
Which brings me to my story. She was going for the "cheese-cake". I didn't even know Bonzai had cheesecake. It's not on their take-out menu. I was clearly interested since cake is like my favorite thing, except for the "creative & artistic" cakes i.e. cake that contains things that I don't feel belong in cake, things like raisins, fruit or a whole fruit salad, cake that is barely cake, cake that does not taste like cake then they give it fancy names like gateau (whatever!!!) Give me good old fashioned pound cake and some cheese cake & I'm good to go!
So we get there, I order sushi, she orders her food. We get done... so time for dessert! I wasn't really expecting much as I've had some rather funky experiences with dessert in Nigeria. I've had brownies made with MILO, cheesecake that tasted like sawdust (you get the picture).
They bring out the "cheese cake" and I break off a piece with my spoon and OOHH MY GOD!
I swear on everything I own, I almost passed out! This..this..this... thing was out of this world... delicious.
First thing I did was ask the waiter to give me one to go (to share with the folks at home), then I sat back and enjoyed this cheesecake.
I've had cheesecake in some pretty nice places in my time and this is the best cheesecake I have ever had.
PLEASE GO! Have the cheesecake! I want feedback.
I'm thinking of starting a fan club.
That s#*t is so good that I promise if you don't like it, I will give you your money back (and I mean it!!!)

P.S. I'm not to be held responsible for wobbly bits that develop as a result of an addiction to said recommended cheesecake. This cheesecake is not to be consumed excessively as it may cause severe public displays of orgasmic sensations.
Eat wisely!!!

JUST IN CASE YOU DIDN'T GET THE MEMO...

...that we are a third world country, here's our "new and rebranded" money to dispell any doubts that you had that we aren't!


EEEKK!!!
You can't tell from the picture but the 20 naira note is 'indestructible'. It's made of some polymer or something, you can't tear it or scrunch it up. The others are good ol' paper.
Way to go Einsteins! The way to make sure your money lasts is to make it out of non-biodegradeable material that will outlive even cockroaches.
Hey! when we all wither and die because we've exhausted all energy sources and run out of breathable oxygen, at least there'll be something here to remind the next civilization that NIGERIA WUZ HERE!
Lol!

JENNY DONE LEFT THE BLOCK!!!

Go on girl!!!

ACHEY BREAKY HEART

I have been nursing a broken heart.
It's not easy to be in a relationship and then have the rug swept from under your feet.
You think you're on course and you can't imagine the heartbreak when you find out someone you've given yourself to unconditionally has decided to be with someone else.
Words cannot describe the miserable feeling, the darkness I find myself engulfed in.
My heart aches so badly my body hurts.
How could I give you my years, my heart... everything and you have the nerve to leave me for an older woman???
She ain't even cute! For God's sake she's the help!!!
What were you thinking? What have you done?
Somebody please tell me I'm dreaming, this is not real, please let me out of this nightmare.
I accepted the first senior citizen, the second crack-head senior citizen, but now you've stepped it up a notch and given this one a ring. I HATE YOU SO MUCH RITE NOW I CAN'T BEAR TO LISTEN TO THE SOUND OF YOUR VOICE...
I can't bear to whisper your name... I don't even want to hear it.
USHER!!! Give me back my heart! You don't deserve it! You and your 37 year old, mother of 3 can go ..... (You were always so addicted to drama... baby mama drama, psychotic cell phone throwing beeyotch drama)
I'm done stalking you!

P.S. Boris baby if you're reading this, I am now yours totally, absolutely, 110%, unadulterated, fully committed to you BOO!!!

I'M ANCIENT!!!

My niece called last night from boarding school in England. She’s not allowed to have a cell phone in school neither is she allowed to use it after hours but I guess that doesn’t count when you’ve spent all your pocket money and neither my sister or “Grandma” (my mom) “understand”. Therefore I will “understand” since it wasn’t too long ago I was in the same shoes.
So I agree to get some money to her after all I am and always have been the “cool aunty”.
We move on and she goes “Sooo… have you decided you’re going to get married now? You know you’re already behind schedule”!!!!
Bells went off in my head. I was like WTF??!! Do u mean by I’m behind schedule? (YES I cuss at my nieces! They LUV IT! Lol)
She goes on to explain how by the time she is my age she’ll have her first child and be flying around the world in her husband’s private jet!
Oh to be young and foolish again lol
We get off the phone, and I stopped and thought to myself “When did I stop been the youngest in my family?” “When did I stop been the baby that money had to be wired to?” More importantly, When did I stop crying to any and everybody about how I’m miserable therefore needed * cough *ticket money * cough * for Xmas so as to be around FRIENDS & family in Lagos to feel better. Now its “Oh aren’t you taking a vacation this year? - “Yes mommy I am thinking about it”- “Ok let me know where you plan to go once you’ve finalized your plans, you know you’ve always been independent” (UHN??? Since when???)

My other niece (her younger sister) goes to the secondary school I went. On Sunday evening, I noticed she hadn’t woven her hair, so I asked if she was going to school tomorrow. She goes “Gosh, Aunty have you forgotten? Seniors don’t weave their hair!” I’m like “WHEN did u become a senior?” These were kids that I carried on the first day they were each born!
Now wish lists have gone from Barbie’s to IPods, the new Nokia phone and money, money, money.

These are texts I’ve gotten from my niece below.
Darling auntie, please can you send me credit, thanks BABE! Luv u (When I saw that I was like, ARE u allowed to call me that? BABE!!! I was put on PHONE BAN back in the NITEL days and now at 13 you have a cell phone?)
“Auntie I’m going to the movies with my friends, can I borrow some earrings? plllleeeeaaassseeee” Luv u
Hi Aunt, stopped by the house, you weren’t home. Just wanted to tell you I took your Vogue & InStyle magz, I’ll bring them bk. Luv u
Auntie M are you watching E? Beyonce is on and she looks fabulous!
Auntie I need to go to The Palms on Saturday and mummy said NO! Can you pls tell her you’re taking me and come & pick me plssss.. all my friends are going too.

Lately, it seems everywhere around me there’s a constant reminder of my yester-years (urgh I hate that word)
When I tell people my age now I don’t hear “Oh you’re still a baby” anymore.
I’ve noticed laughter lines on my face, I’m considering adding anti-ageing cream to my beauty regimen because they say the earlier you start the better. There are these lines on my forehead that didn’t used to be there before. Suddenly BOTOX and Restalin are beginning to make sense. I might have to look into those the next time I take a trip.
I’ve even considered putting my non-existent kids on the wait list for St. Saviours (apparently there’s a 2 year wait list) these are kids I don’t even want. I’ve seen what pregnancy does to bodies, why would anyone voluntarily do that to them self?
I can no longer party all weekend and stay up all day at work. My body never used to shut down. Now I sleep for 5 hours and I feel like the living dead all day.

People, I am having a melt down!

PHENOMENAL WOMAN '07- Jenny from the Block!

Jennifer Hudson is an OSCAR NOMINEE!!!!
I remember J-Hud (lol) on American Idol... so full of life with such a big voice and personality for days.
She won the People's Choice Awards, she got the Golden Globe, could she cinch the Oscar? Cate Blanchett already lost to her at the Globes and she seems to me to be the only obstacle in her way at the Oscars in her category.
I haven't seen Dreamgirls so I don't know if it's Oscar worthy but I am so excited for her.
She was always so positive when Simon shut her down on AI and was bummed when she got voted off.
I guess this goes to show that what my god-mother Oprah says is very true... God can dream a bigger dream for you than you could ever imagine.
Who would have thought? She wasn't even an actress. She was just a struggling singer trying to get a record deal.
Her achievements thus far have left anything any AI winner has achieved in the dust... shoo it's left most bonafide celebrities not even able to see her brake lights.
You go girl!


You know you've made it when Prada will make you the same dress Gwyneth Paltrow is wearing...

PHENOMENAL WOMAN- 2007

YES Mrs. President!
Hilary Clinton is running for President of the United States in 2008! YEEEEEEEAAAHHH!
Go! Go! Hilary...break the cycle. Make history! Redecorate the oval office!
It is no secret that Mrs Clinton is a shrewd politician and many times was said to be behind some of the most important decisions made by our favorite president, her husband Bill Clinton.
Hopefully, our female politicians in Nigeria will look to her for inspiration and maybe someday we will also have a female president in Nigeria. I understand the challenges that they must face here as women in politics and I applaud them for even treading those grounds.
But there's hope...
Let's get the Clintons back in the White House!!!

LIFE LIST #1 Update ♞

Life List # 1 – Learn to ride horses.
Unfortunately this will be put on hold for a while as Marcella passed away last weekend. There is a virus going around the Lagos Polo Club. So many horses have died. They say it’s a fly carrying around a vector and once it bites the horses, they’re goners. They get symptoms like colic, start to foam at the mouth and then just die.
The horses were vaccinated the week before and we had all thought they dodged the bullet but clearly none of them are responding to treatment. This is really sad ☹
The Polo tournament in Lagos has been cancelled this year.

I’m sad and all but I have to share this. Since I’d heard about the virus 2 weeks ago, I have found myself subconciously reactivating my Ikoyi Hotel Suya membership.
I mean let’s be real, there’s a lot of dead meat lying around the Polo club and in these S.A.P-ish times I don’t put anything past anyone. Is it not beef + special sauce?
I mean I love Marcella and all but when I said a part of her will always be with me, I didn’t mean literally in my digestive system…. lol
R.I.P. Marcella… I hope you’re in a better place where there are no more whips and the hay is always fresh, with lots of sugar, apples and barley (isn’t that what they used to feed the horses in all those Enid Blyton books)
I am such a drama queen! Lol

P.S. I know everyone remembers S.A.P from the 80’s (Was it the Babangida regime?) Structural Adjustment Program. ROITE! Indeed! We’re still waiting including EDUCATION FOR ALL BY THE YEAR 2000 ( I remember that campaign as well)

PR SUGGESTIONS FOR BEYONCE ☿

Ok so I started to reply a comment and noticed about 3 minutes later that I had practically written another blog entry... so here goes.
Before I start, this is in no way, form or fashion meant to bash Beyonce. I like her alot. I think she's gorgeous, she's talented, she's hardworking and all that good stuff. (My cousin has blasted me already for calling out her Bey) My bad but I have to take one for the team.

Everyone may not know the ins and outs of PR and publicity stunts but we live in a world where our celeb-obsession is at an all time alarmingly, abnormal, potentially destructive HIGH! WE all know most of the stories we read and hear are spun by the media and in more recent times the celeb's camp.
I was watching this thing on BBC Prime the other nite called "Papparazi" and it showed celebrity camps sometimes make deals with photogs to take their pics and they split the profits or just in return for plain ol' publicity. I always wondered how you see celebs coming out of the water at the beach and it looks like soft porn in slow motion... u know hands running through the wet hair, with their faces turned upwards, or them lifting their wet t-shirts just enough to show the abs lol

Alot of people have said the entertainment industry is 1% talent, 99% business... If I never believed that, I believed it when I heard Paris Hilton sing the Happy Birthday song to Hugh Hefner in a Marilyn Monroe-esque fashion. I mean this girl got a record deal and made a WHOLE ALBUM!!! She couldn't even finish the first ♬...tooo uuuuu♬ without gasping for air. Nevertheless, her single was #1 for I don't know how many weeks.

Ok so back to Beyonce, she's got a VOICE! No doubt! Has the body of a goddess! No doubt!
Why is she soooooo BLAND??? She has got to be the most BORING over-exposed celeb out there. I'm sorry, I don't want to hear "Oh she's private", "She's shy", "She leads a quiet life" WHAT-THE-F*#K-EVA!!!
You get as much airtime as Paris, you're dating one of the greatest rappers of his generation- BEYONCE! you owe us some SCANDAL DAMMIT!!!
Her life revolves around her career and her man... Come on Beyonce, cheat on Jay with Damon Dash, throw a cell phone at your mom for making you wear all those gold outfits... SOMETHING BEY...SOMETHING!!

No one is that perfect, she must really be unhappy. I mean the girl's not eating first of all. She's admitted to doing the tomato & lettuce diet, she's done the maple syrup diet where she drank a mixture of maple syrup & cayenne pepper for God knows how many days to lose 20 pounds. COME ON people... NO ONE can be that hungry & still be nice & polite & down to earth.
Beyonce be a diva ♔ for once! You deserve it!
She's smiling all the time, never a bad word said in the news.
Go clubbing in LA with Paris, Lindsay & Britney, show a private part...ok flash us a boob or something.
There's no way you have an "alter-ego" that is not a part of you. She calls her Sasha and apparently that's who takes over her body when she gets on stage. How about you take Sasha with you offstage and let her drive for one day.
Could it be that part of her personality is repressed cos I'm sorry, it's either that or she's schizoprenic.

Ok so I'm done. Oh yeah get a haircut or something... the blonde hair has got to go. She needs to find another signature look. Matching your hair to your outfits is never gonna make a comeback (that's if it was ever in)

Either that or she needs to take a long break. The public that loves u is also the one that will tear u down and rip u apart.
Give Usher's people a call... they sure know how to spin he hell out of the PR/publicity wheel. ⎈

SHE KNEW SHE WOULDN'T WIN...

So awards season is here. The Golden Globes were yesterday.
With the phenomenon that is time difference, clearly I had to stay up really late to watch E! Countdown to the Redcarpet and Live from the Red Carpet since that's the only thing that's shown live.
We have to wait for M-net to show it the day after since they figure no one would get up to watch the Golden Globes in the middle of the night (Clearly people like me are not accounted for in their consumer demographics)
Anyway apart from the fact that I enjoy the red carpet show, I was waiting for one particular person this year... YUP! BEYONCE!!!
I'm not even going to waste your time... She did it AGAIN!! But only worse! She wore Elie Saab... but now she decided Cinderella was old so she decided to go as A GOLDEN GLOBE!
I mean what is it with Elie Saab? Did she sign her name in blood to only wear him?
Guess she figured... HELL I'm not gonna win "Best Actress" (Fish??!!!) so I might as well be my own damn Golden Globe.
I'm trying really hard not to go on any websites so there are no spoilers for me this evening but for YOU and for Beyonce I'm putting a picture of the dress up.
She should be served a restraining order from the blonde weave aisle in the weave shop! ( I love her but u know I warned her)



Dejavu?


Beyonce's mommy! 2 words- YOU'RE FIRED!


Last one I promise!

THERE'S NO BUSINESS LIKE...

On my way to Ijebu this weekend, on the expressway I saw an army of "porta-potties" and a gigantomous sign that was so funny to me. I was laughing so hard, the thought that I should take a picture to share only occured to me after the fact.
We were leaving the party in Ijebu when I noticed they had one of the porta-potties and lo and behold... MY SIGN... so I had to take a picture to share... Enjoy lol

THE REVOLUTION HAS BEEN TELEVISED!!!

I am giddy! Just giddy! with joy and excitement!
When I wrote about my cousin a few weeks ago, I mentioned us discussing for forever how there should be an Apple phone. I was walking past the TV last nite, when I noticed "our cuz" (my cousin & I's cuz) Steve Jobs on TV!
Then I saw the most beautiful words I've read in 2007 "APPLE INTRODUCES THE iPHONE"
WHAAAAAAT!!!!!!!!!
I've just watched online the full Keynote address given by Cousin Steve :-) and in the words of David Gray MY OH MY!
I can't even begin to tell you why you need to get this phone simply because blogger.com might shut me down for using too much space. It's not available until about June but it's worth the wait.
I want to put a counter (for a countdown till when the phone goes on sale) on my blog page but I can't for 2 reasons. A- I think it's a bit O.T.T and I'd like to keep an element of mystery as to how truly twisted my mind is and B- I don't know how to! lol

It's got the most fabulous features like multi-touch screen. No stylus needed. Just your fingers. No plastic keys. It's just a screen.
It's got the coolest sensors like a proximity sensor that automatically locks the screen when its coming in contact with your ears so when your face comes in contact with the interface it doesn't end your call or do other stuff you don't need it to do. It's got an ambient light sensor so when your phone goes into dim light like your bag it goes into sleep mode to save battery life.

DO I even need to tell you that it's an iPod and a phone? No... didn't think so!

Go to http://www.apple.com/iphone/ for more details

COLOR MEME

I stole this from a fellow blogger. Thot it'd be cool. ENJOY!

[ RED ]
1. Closest red thing to you? Rubber band on my desk.
2. Has anyone ever cheated on you in a relationship? I think the more appropriate question would be Has anyone NEVER NOT cheated?
3. Last thing to make you angry? Harmattan
4. Are you a fan of romance? I’m a fan of reality. Romance is dead!
5. Have you ever been in love? I thought I was all of the TIMES lol
6. Do you have a temper? Nope… can’t be arsed to get flustered about anything.

[ GREEN ]
1. Closest green thing to you? N200 note in my bag
2. Do you care about the environment? Very much so… I only buy beauty products that support Community Trade
3. Are you jealous of anyone right now? Yeah… anyone in bed rite now!
4. Are you a lucky person? Only when I don’t need it.
5. Do you always want what you can't have? What’s the challenge in life if I only want what I can have.
6. Are you Irish? Yeah as Irish as they come in Isale Eko...

[ PURPLE ]
1. Last purple thing you saw? My 2007 planner
2. Like being treated to expensive things? Like been treated PERIOD!
3. Do you like mysterious things? I’m drawn to mysterious things/people
4. Favorite type of chocolate? White
5. Ever met any royalty? My friend Ricardo in Atlanta. He’s a queen! lol
6. Are you creative? With the abstract- yes, with the physical- NO!!!
7. Are you lonely? Alone but never lonely.

[ BLUE ]
1. Closest blue thing to you? Jeans
2. Are you good at calming people down? I have no patience for people who are NOT calm.
3. Do you like the ocean? Luv it! Would live on the ocean except I can’t swim
4. What was the last thing that made you cry? Extreme Makeover- Home Edition (but I was on my period) so I was HORMONE CENTRAL!!!
5. Are you a logical thinker? Only when it’s not needed ☺
6. Can you sleep easily? Clinically diagnosed insomniac over here!
7. Do you prefer the beach or the woods? The beach

[ YELLOW ]
1. Closest yellow thing to you? The trashcan under my desk
2. The happiest time(s) of your life? Can’t say I’ve ever been giddy enough to remember
3. Favourite holiday? Back in the day when I used to come to Lagos for Xmas.
4. Are you a coward? Why? U feeling froggy?
5. Do you burn or tan? BURN… like the skin gets wrinkled & starts to peel.
6. Do you want children? NO
7. What makes you happy? Being by myself.

[ PINK ]
1. Closest pink thing to you? My laptop bag
2. Do you like sweet things? Food? Yes People? No
3. Like play-fighting? It’s the only way to play… or fight.
4. Are you sensitive? No
5. Do you like punk music? I most probably would if I listened to it long enough.
6. What is your favourite flower? Tulips
7. Does someone have a crush on you? I doubt it.

[ ORANGE ]
1. Closest orange thing to you? The inside of my bag.
2. Do you like to burn things? Yes
3. Dress up for Halloween? Why? Who died?
4. Are you usually a warm-hearted person? Nope!
5. Do you prefer the single life or the security of a relationship? I prefer the security of a single life. What am I gonna do when I’m tired of myself? Walk out on my own skin?
6. What would your super power be? The power to see the real intentions of the heart.

[ WHITE ]
1. Closest white thing to you? My laptop
2. Would you say you're innocent? Yeah… why? Did u hear otherwise?
3. Always try to keep the peace? No I’m a sh*t stirrer! lol
4. How do you imagine your wedding? I’ve never imagined my wedding.
5. Do you like to play in the snow? No I don’t have hair that allows me to play in extreme weather conditions.
6. Are you afraid of going to the doctors or dentist? I’ve been going to the dentist since I was 5. I’m scared when I don’t go! Never been to a doctor in my life!

[ BLACK ]
1. Closest black thing to you? My cell phone
2. Ever enjoy hurting people? It’s usually never my intention to but I get a kick out of overly sensitive people.
3. Are you sophisticated or silly? I can be extremely both.
4. Do you have a lot of secrets? A whole lot more than Victoria!
5. What is your favourite colour(s)? Earth tones and pink
6. Does the colour you wear affect your mood? I don’t think so and if it did I’d be one sad puppy cos I’m always in black.