Wednesday, June 03, 2015

The devil had a baby girl and her name is Gravity

As a girl you learn a lot in your science classes about theories and phenomenon, abstract things about the universe that tickle your imagination. We learn that there are other planets floating out there, we learn laws like ‘for every action there is an equal or opposite reaction’.

If you took physics classes like I did, then you may remember that Sir Isaac Newton discovered gravity. I looked up gravity in the dictionary and it is defined as ‘the force that attracts a body toward the center of the earth, or toward any other physical body having mass’. 
Newsflash! Isaac lied. He didn’t discover gravity, Eve discovered gravity! I’m going to take one for the team and risk being smitten and say when God said “…I will greatly multiply thy sorrow...” , amongst other things, somewhere on top of that list was gravity. He was so mad at that apple eating heifer that he reached so far out and cursed us with SAG!
He does live up to his promise of showing us mercy. At least light years later he gave us "the bra".

But back to me. Why did I not know that my body was subject to the law of gravity as well? Why is everything heading due south? I'm good on this side of the Earth, I don't want to visit middle Earth. Frodo n' em can keep that! You wake up one morning and you're like my body parts did a little migrating while I was ironically- "catching beauty sleep".
Yes, I know we are supposed to exercise and keep it tight but trust me not everything stays up no matter how hard you try. 

I am told men sag too eventually. I’m not sure how that’s supposed to make me feel better living in a society where a rotund gut is lauded as “signs of good living”.
Women are held to ridiculously high standards when it comes to our appearance. I am nobody’s feminist and I will admit that I am vain…probably a little more so than the average woman. I spend entirely too much time and money on stalling the aging process. If there is a contraption, apparatus or potion that promises to hold it all up, I will bear the discomfort and try it. I am not ashamed to say that I am very much a victim of said ridiculous standards.

I’d love to tell you that I do it just for myself like most women claim to but no, I’m not risking lung collapse just to stare and admire myself in the mirror. I already know I’m cute but it never hurts to let the boys know too.

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