I'M ANCIENT!!!

My niece called last night from boarding school in England. She’s not allowed to have a cell phone in school neither is she allowed to use it after hours but I guess that doesn’t count when you’ve spent all your pocket money and neither my sister or “Grandma” (my mom) “understand”. Therefore I will “understand” since it wasn’t too long ago I was in the same shoes.
So I agree to get some money to her after all I am and always have been the “cool aunty”.
We move on and she goes “Sooo… have you decided you’re going to get married now? You know you’re already behind schedule”!!!!
Bells went off in my head. I was like WTF??!! Do u mean by I’m behind schedule? (YES I cuss at my nieces! They LUV IT! Lol)
She goes on to explain how by the time she is my age she’ll have her first child and be flying around the world in her husband’s private jet!
Oh to be young and foolish again lol
We get off the phone, and I stopped and thought to myself “When did I stop been the youngest in my family?” “When did I stop been the baby that money had to be wired to?” More importantly, When did I stop crying to any and everybody about how I’m miserable therefore needed * cough *ticket money * cough * for Xmas so as to be around FRIENDS & family in Lagos to feel better. Now its “Oh aren’t you taking a vacation this year? - “Yes mommy I am thinking about it”- “Ok let me know where you plan to go once you’ve finalized your plans, you know you’ve always been independent” (UHN??? Since when???)

My other niece (her younger sister) goes to the secondary school I went. On Sunday evening, I noticed she hadn’t woven her hair, so I asked if she was going to school tomorrow. She goes “Gosh, Aunty have you forgotten? Seniors don’t weave their hair!” I’m like “WHEN did u become a senior?” These were kids that I carried on the first day they were each born!
Now wish lists have gone from Barbie’s to IPods, the new Nokia phone and money, money, money.

These are texts I’ve gotten from my niece below.
Darling auntie, please can you send me credit, thanks BABE! Luv u (When I saw that I was like, ARE u allowed to call me that? BABE!!! I was put on PHONE BAN back in the NITEL days and now at 13 you have a cell phone?)
“Auntie I’m going to the movies with my friends, can I borrow some earrings? plllleeeeaaassseeee” Luv u
Hi Aunt, stopped by the house, you weren’t home. Just wanted to tell you I took your Vogue & InStyle magz, I’ll bring them bk. Luv u
Auntie M are you watching E? Beyonce is on and she looks fabulous!
Auntie I need to go to The Palms on Saturday and mummy said NO! Can you pls tell her you’re taking me and come & pick me plssss.. all my friends are going too.

Lately, it seems everywhere around me there’s a constant reminder of my yester-years (urgh I hate that word)
When I tell people my age now I don’t hear “Oh you’re still a baby” anymore.
I’ve noticed laughter lines on my face, I’m considering adding anti-ageing cream to my beauty regimen because they say the earlier you start the better. There are these lines on my forehead that didn’t used to be there before. Suddenly BOTOX and Restalin are beginning to make sense. I might have to look into those the next time I take a trip.
I’ve even considered putting my non-existent kids on the wait list for St. Saviours (apparently there’s a 2 year wait list) these are kids I don’t even want. I’ve seen what pregnancy does to bodies, why would anyone voluntarily do that to them self?
I can no longer party all weekend and stay up all day at work. My body never used to shut down. Now I sleep for 5 hours and I feel like the living dead all day.

People, I am having a melt down!

PHENOMENAL WOMAN '07- Jenny from the Block!

Jennifer Hudson is an OSCAR NOMINEE!!!!
I remember J-Hud (lol) on American Idol... so full of life with such a big voice and personality for days.
She won the People's Choice Awards, she got the Golden Globe, could she cinch the Oscar? Cate Blanchett already lost to her at the Globes and she seems to me to be the only obstacle in her way at the Oscars in her category.
I haven't seen Dreamgirls so I don't know if it's Oscar worthy but I am so excited for her.
She was always so positive when Simon shut her down on AI and was bummed when she got voted off.
I guess this goes to show that what my god-mother Oprah says is very true... God can dream a bigger dream for you than you could ever imagine.
Who would have thought? She wasn't even an actress. She was just a struggling singer trying to get a record deal.
Her achievements thus far have left anything any AI winner has achieved in the dust... shoo it's left most bonafide celebrities not even able to see her brake lights.
You go girl!


You know you've made it when Prada will make you the same dress Gwyneth Paltrow is wearing...

PHENOMENAL WOMAN- 2007

YES Mrs. President!
Hilary Clinton is running for President of the United States in 2008! YEEEEEEEAAAHHH!
Go! Go! Hilary...break the cycle. Make history! Redecorate the oval office!
It is no secret that Mrs Clinton is a shrewd politician and many times was said to be behind some of the most important decisions made by our favorite president, her husband Bill Clinton.
Hopefully, our female politicians in Nigeria will look to her for inspiration and maybe someday we will also have a female president in Nigeria. I understand the challenges that they must face here as women in politics and I applaud them for even treading those grounds.
But there's hope...
Let's get the Clintons back in the White House!!!

LIFE LIST #1 Update ♞

Life List # 1 – Learn to ride horses.
Unfortunately this will be put on hold for a while as Marcella passed away last weekend. There is a virus going around the Lagos Polo Club. So many horses have died. They say it’s a fly carrying around a vector and once it bites the horses, they’re goners. They get symptoms like colic, start to foam at the mouth and then just die.
The horses were vaccinated the week before and we had all thought they dodged the bullet but clearly none of them are responding to treatment. This is really sad ☹
The Polo tournament in Lagos has been cancelled this year.

I’m sad and all but I have to share this. Since I’d heard about the virus 2 weeks ago, I have found myself subconciously reactivating my Ikoyi Hotel Suya membership.
I mean let’s be real, there’s a lot of dead meat lying around the Polo club and in these S.A.P-ish times I don’t put anything past anyone. Is it not beef + special sauce?
I mean I love Marcella and all but when I said a part of her will always be with me, I didn’t mean literally in my digestive system…. lol
R.I.P. Marcella… I hope you’re in a better place where there are no more whips and the hay is always fresh, with lots of sugar, apples and barley (isn’t that what they used to feed the horses in all those Enid Blyton books)
I am such a drama queen! Lol

P.S. I know everyone remembers S.A.P from the 80’s (Was it the Babangida regime?) Structural Adjustment Program. ROITE! Indeed! We’re still waiting including EDUCATION FOR ALL BY THE YEAR 2000 ( I remember that campaign as well)

PR SUGGESTIONS FOR BEYONCE ☿

Ok so I started to reply a comment and noticed about 3 minutes later that I had practically written another blog entry... so here goes.
Before I start, this is in no way, form or fashion meant to bash Beyonce. I like her alot. I think she's gorgeous, she's talented, she's hardworking and all that good stuff. (My cousin has blasted me already for calling out her Bey) My bad but I have to take one for the team.

Everyone may not know the ins and outs of PR and publicity stunts but we live in a world where our celeb-obsession is at an all time alarmingly, abnormal, potentially destructive HIGH! WE all know most of the stories we read and hear are spun by the media and in more recent times the celeb's camp.
I was watching this thing on BBC Prime the other nite called "Papparazi" and it showed celebrity camps sometimes make deals with photogs to take their pics and they split the profits or just in return for plain ol' publicity. I always wondered how you see celebs coming out of the water at the beach and it looks like soft porn in slow motion... u know hands running through the wet hair, with their faces turned upwards, or them lifting their wet t-shirts just enough to show the abs lol

Alot of people have said the entertainment industry is 1% talent, 99% business... If I never believed that, I believed it when I heard Paris Hilton sing the Happy Birthday song to Hugh Hefner in a Marilyn Monroe-esque fashion. I mean this girl got a record deal and made a WHOLE ALBUM!!! She couldn't even finish the first ♬...tooo uuuuu♬ without gasping for air. Nevertheless, her single was #1 for I don't know how many weeks.

Ok so back to Beyonce, she's got a VOICE! No doubt! Has the body of a goddess! No doubt!
Why is she soooooo BLAND??? She has got to be the most BORING over-exposed celeb out there. I'm sorry, I don't want to hear "Oh she's private", "She's shy", "She leads a quiet life" WHAT-THE-F*#K-EVA!!!
You get as much airtime as Paris, you're dating one of the greatest rappers of his generation- BEYONCE! you owe us some SCANDAL DAMMIT!!!
Her life revolves around her career and her man... Come on Beyonce, cheat on Jay with Damon Dash, throw a cell phone at your mom for making you wear all those gold outfits... SOMETHING BEY...SOMETHING!!

No one is that perfect, she must really be unhappy. I mean the girl's not eating first of all. She's admitted to doing the tomato & lettuce diet, she's done the maple syrup diet where she drank a mixture of maple syrup & cayenne pepper for God knows how many days to lose 20 pounds. COME ON people... NO ONE can be that hungry & still be nice & polite & down to earth.
Beyonce be a diva ♔ for once! You deserve it!
She's smiling all the time, never a bad word said in the news.
Go clubbing in LA with Paris, Lindsay & Britney, show a private part...ok flash us a boob or something.
There's no way you have an "alter-ego" that is not a part of you. She calls her Sasha and apparently that's who takes over her body when she gets on stage. How about you take Sasha with you offstage and let her drive for one day.
Could it be that part of her personality is repressed cos I'm sorry, it's either that or she's schizoprenic.

Ok so I'm done. Oh yeah get a haircut or something... the blonde hair has got to go. She needs to find another signature look. Matching your hair to your outfits is never gonna make a comeback (that's if it was ever in)

Either that or she needs to take a long break. The public that loves u is also the one that will tear u down and rip u apart.
Give Usher's people a call... they sure know how to spin he hell out of the PR/publicity wheel. ⎈

SHE KNEW SHE WOULDN'T WIN...

So awards season is here. The Golden Globes were yesterday.
With the phenomenon that is time difference, clearly I had to stay up really late to watch E! Countdown to the Redcarpet and Live from the Red Carpet since that's the only thing that's shown live.
We have to wait for M-net to show it the day after since they figure no one would get up to watch the Golden Globes in the middle of the night (Clearly people like me are not accounted for in their consumer demographics)
Anyway apart from the fact that I enjoy the red carpet show, I was waiting for one particular person this year... YUP! BEYONCE!!!
I'm not even going to waste your time... She did it AGAIN!! But only worse! She wore Elie Saab... but now she decided Cinderella was old so she decided to go as A GOLDEN GLOBE!
I mean what is it with Elie Saab? Did she sign her name in blood to only wear him?
Guess she figured... HELL I'm not gonna win "Best Actress" (Fish??!!!) so I might as well be my own damn Golden Globe.
I'm trying really hard not to go on any websites so there are no spoilers for me this evening but for YOU and for Beyonce I'm putting a picture of the dress up.
She should be served a restraining order from the blonde weave aisle in the weave shop! ( I love her but u know I warned her)



Dejavu?


Beyonce's mommy! 2 words- YOU'RE FIRED!


Last one I promise!

THERE'S NO BUSINESS LIKE...

On my way to Ijebu this weekend, on the expressway I saw an army of "porta-potties" and a gigantomous sign that was so funny to me. I was laughing so hard, the thought that I should take a picture to share only occured to me after the fact.
We were leaving the party in Ijebu when I noticed they had one of the porta-potties and lo and behold... MY SIGN... so I had to take a picture to share... Enjoy lol

THE REVOLUTION HAS BEEN TELEVISED!!!

I am giddy! Just giddy! with joy and excitement!
When I wrote about my cousin a few weeks ago, I mentioned us discussing for forever how there should be an Apple phone. I was walking past the TV last nite, when I noticed "our cuz" (my cousin & I's cuz) Steve Jobs on TV!
Then I saw the most beautiful words I've read in 2007 "APPLE INTRODUCES THE iPHONE"
WHAAAAAAT!!!!!!!!!
I've just watched online the full Keynote address given by Cousin Steve :-) and in the words of David Gray MY OH MY!
I can't even begin to tell you why you need to get this phone simply because blogger.com might shut me down for using too much space. It's not available until about June but it's worth the wait.
I want to put a counter (for a countdown till when the phone goes on sale) on my blog page but I can't for 2 reasons. A- I think it's a bit O.T.T and I'd like to keep an element of mystery as to how truly twisted my mind is and B- I don't know how to! lol

It's got the most fabulous features like multi-touch screen. No stylus needed. Just your fingers. No plastic keys. It's just a screen.
It's got the coolest sensors like a proximity sensor that automatically locks the screen when its coming in contact with your ears so when your face comes in contact with the interface it doesn't end your call or do other stuff you don't need it to do. It's got an ambient light sensor so when your phone goes into dim light like your bag it goes into sleep mode to save battery life.

DO I even need to tell you that it's an iPod and a phone? No... didn't think so!

Go to http://www.apple.com/iphone/ for more details

COLOR MEME

I stole this from a fellow blogger. Thot it'd be cool. ENJOY!

[ RED ]
1. Closest red thing to you? Rubber band on my desk.
2. Has anyone ever cheated on you in a relationship? I think the more appropriate question would be Has anyone NEVER NOT cheated?
3. Last thing to make you angry? Harmattan
4. Are you a fan of romance? I’m a fan of reality. Romance is dead!
5. Have you ever been in love? I thought I was all of the TIMES lol
6. Do you have a temper? Nope… can’t be arsed to get flustered about anything.

[ GREEN ]
1. Closest green thing to you? N200 note in my bag
2. Do you care about the environment? Very much so… I only buy beauty products that support Community Trade
3. Are you jealous of anyone right now? Yeah… anyone in bed rite now!
4. Are you a lucky person? Only when I don’t need it.
5. Do you always want what you can't have? What’s the challenge in life if I only want what I can have.
6. Are you Irish? Yeah as Irish as they come in Isale Eko...

[ PURPLE ]
1. Last purple thing you saw? My 2007 planner
2. Like being treated to expensive things? Like been treated PERIOD!
3. Do you like mysterious things? I’m drawn to mysterious things/people
4. Favorite type of chocolate? White
5. Ever met any royalty? My friend Ricardo in Atlanta. He’s a queen! lol
6. Are you creative? With the abstract- yes, with the physical- NO!!!
7. Are you lonely? Alone but never lonely.

[ BLUE ]
1. Closest blue thing to you? Jeans
2. Are you good at calming people down? I have no patience for people who are NOT calm.
3. Do you like the ocean? Luv it! Would live on the ocean except I can’t swim
4. What was the last thing that made you cry? Extreme Makeover- Home Edition (but I was on my period) so I was HORMONE CENTRAL!!!
5. Are you a logical thinker? Only when it’s not needed ☺
6. Can you sleep easily? Clinically diagnosed insomniac over here!
7. Do you prefer the beach or the woods? The beach

[ YELLOW ]
1. Closest yellow thing to you? The trashcan under my desk
2. The happiest time(s) of your life? Can’t say I’ve ever been giddy enough to remember
3. Favourite holiday? Back in the day when I used to come to Lagos for Xmas.
4. Are you a coward? Why? U feeling froggy?
5. Do you burn or tan? BURN… like the skin gets wrinkled & starts to peel.
6. Do you want children? NO
7. What makes you happy? Being by myself.

[ PINK ]
1. Closest pink thing to you? My laptop bag
2. Do you like sweet things? Food? Yes People? No
3. Like play-fighting? It’s the only way to play… or fight.
4. Are you sensitive? No
5. Do you like punk music? I most probably would if I listened to it long enough.
6. What is your favourite flower? Tulips
7. Does someone have a crush on you? I doubt it.

[ ORANGE ]
1. Closest orange thing to you? The inside of my bag.
2. Do you like to burn things? Yes
3. Dress up for Halloween? Why? Who died?
4. Are you usually a warm-hearted person? Nope!
5. Do you prefer the single life or the security of a relationship? I prefer the security of a single life. What am I gonna do when I’m tired of myself? Walk out on my own skin?
6. What would your super power be? The power to see the real intentions of the heart.

[ WHITE ]
1. Closest white thing to you? My laptop
2. Would you say you're innocent? Yeah… why? Did u hear otherwise?
3. Always try to keep the peace? No I’m a sh*t stirrer! lol
4. How do you imagine your wedding? I’ve never imagined my wedding.
5. Do you like to play in the snow? No I don’t have hair that allows me to play in extreme weather conditions.
6. Are you afraid of going to the doctors or dentist? I’ve been going to the dentist since I was 5. I’m scared when I don’t go! Never been to a doctor in my life!

[ BLACK ]
1. Closest black thing to you? My cell phone
2. Ever enjoy hurting people? It’s usually never my intention to but I get a kick out of overly sensitive people.
3. Are you sophisticated or silly? I can be extremely both.
4. Do you have a lot of secrets? A whole lot more than Victoria!
5. What is your favourite colour(s)? Earth tones and pink
6. Does the colour you wear affect your mood? I don’t think so and if it did I’d be one sad puppy cos I’m always in black.

HARMA**F*CK#N**TTAN

I have been meaning to research HARMATTAN for weeks. At this point anyone in Lagos will tell you this is FREAKING ANNOYING! We can hardly breathe, we can barely see at night and numerous flights have been cancelled. There is dust everywhere. Irritating the hell out of my contacts, I'm sneezing non-stop, my chest is congested and when you hack up stuff, you can see the dust particles in it and I'm thinking that cannot be good for my lungs. I don't remember HARMATTAN been this bad EVER.
Anyway point of my rant is; I've been arguing (Idiotically I might add NOW) that HARMATTAN is one of our made up words in Nigeria, I'm like I've never heard of it anywhere else.
FINE! People say Americans are ignorant- I can accept that SOMETIMES but geez I've travelled a bit now. How come I've only heard it in Nigeria.
Anyway so I GOOGLED it expecting to see "Did you mean harmatann?" or something. But NOOOO... it actually is a weather condition and a real one. GOSH everyone gets cool stuff they can play with like snow and hailstones.
WTF am I supposed to do with 10 layers of dust??? Lick it??? PSSH...
Now I owe N10K (GOD pls remove the words "Oya let's bet..." from my VOCAB)

There may be 2 of us out there that didn't know this so to u my brother or sister, I say "Don't mind them, it's not like they knew either" Here you go... dropping u some knowledge on Monday from Wikipedia.

The Harmattan is a dry and dusty wind blowing south off the Sahara into the Gulf of Guinea between November and March (winter). It is considered a Natural Hazard.
On its passage over the desert it picks up fine dust particles (between 0.5 and 10 micrometres). When the Harmattan blows hard, it can push dust and sand all the way to South America. In some countries in West Africa, the heavy amount of dust in the air can severely limit visibility and block the sun for several days, comparable to a heavy fog. The effect caused by the dust and sand stirred by these winds is known as the Harmattan Haze, and costs airlines millions in cancelled and diverted flights each year. In Niger, people say that men and animals become increasingly irritable when this wind has been blowing for a while, giving it a bad reputation. However, the cool wind brings relief from the oppressive heat, which is why the Harmattan has earned the nickname "The Doctor".

Yeah... yeah... it's just bootleg winter!

PHENOMENAL YEAR, PHENOMENAL WOMEN

It's only been a few days into 2007 and women are already making me proud...
My god-mother Miss Oprah opened her state of the art, world class school for underprivileged young girls in South Africa on Tuesday.
What a blessed year it will be for those little girls and their families.
There was a special report on CNN by Jeff Koinange on one of the little girls who lived with her mother in a one room shack. They do everything in that room (for lack of a better word because it hardly qualifies as a room- more like a closet) , they take baths, cook, sleep, study, work, store clothes in this tiny space. They have no running water, no electricity, they share a toilet with the other shacks.
Oprah is such an inspiration and when she talks about this school and what she is trying to achieve I am overwhelmed at how exemplary her life is and how she has come full circle from growing up in a shack with no water and electricity to helping young girls in the same predicament have the very best life has to offer.
She has promised to help her girls through university and sponsor them to any university in the world.

This truly humbles me and puts into more perspective the fact that over 90% of the time, the things that we worry about are nothing compared to what others have to go through. It especially hits home harder when everyday around me, I encounter this abject poverty first hand. Who protects the little girl sent out to beg by her mother? Who looks out for the little girl roaming the streets hawking goods? Who guarantees her safety when she is loaded onto the back of a truck and taken miles away into the big city to become a maid? We see the results of poverty and illiteracy in our communities. Why now more than ever are we allowing that to happen in ten fold with the little ones today. How are we ever going to move forward as a country if we cannot correct our past mistakes?
If only they could be blessed with the chances that have been given to these girls.
Do Nigerian girls not deserve a chance just like these South African girls have been given?


Secondly, 66 year old Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi, a grandmother of six, made history by becoming speaker of the house. This is HUGE for women the world over. Second in line to the US president! WOW! Someday a woman will become the leader of the free world. It may not be Ms. Pelosi but she sure has opened those doors.
It is great to remember the women in our past who dreamed a bigger dream for their children and their children's children and fought for the realization of that dream but we also must honor those women who have chosen to keep that dream alive and have worked hard to break these barriers that have been set up by a male dominated world.
I have a good feeling about this year the Democrats have taken Congress back!
Maybe our troops can come home now!(YEAAAH) YES OUR ( I may be Nigerian but a part of me will always be American)
Also the LADIES are rockin' the hell outta 2007 and it's only been 5 days!
ROCK ON LADIES, ROCK ON!!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR Y'ALL!!!

Happy New Year Everyone!
Let me start by getting all the clichés out of the way- GOD I can’t believe it’s 2007 already! 2006 went by so fast! I need to make some changes in 2007! I’m going to be a better person in 2007! BULL- MUTHAF*#K!- S#*T!!! WHATEVER ABEG!

Yes I do believe it’s 2007 cos I’d be bothered if it was still 2006 after 13 months. 2006 did not go by fast, it was 12 months just like every other year and I had to live out every last minute of every single 24 hours of every damn day and NO I am not gonna be a better person in 2007, cos I’ve been saying that since 2000 and sh*t ain’t goin’ change!
I do mean to call people more but please last time I checked you had fingers as well so I'm gonna try to the best of MY ability... the rest will be up to u to return the calls.
I am not making any new year resolutions this year. I think it’s a conspiracy just like Valentine’s day. The concept of NY resolutions was invented by gyms so that they can get you to sign that 5 year contract plus the clause that makes you give up your first born child if you default on that contract just like Valentine’s day was invented by Hallmark (for very obvious reasons)
I do however thank God for bringing me through 2006 because I would not have made it alot of times if it was just up to me. He's been very good even though I didn't deserve it 90% of the time.
I hope this year turns out as well for everyone as it will for me ☺